As I mentioned briefly in a previous post, I've been trying to make some changes in my life. About 6 months ago, in the midst of our moving house and Internet problems, I was feeling pretty low. Usually when I get like that, I start shutting myself away from the world. And so I did that. I kept in contact with the very few (but wonderful) friends I have, but online I stopped following blogs, I stopped reading ones I regularly read and I stopped commenting. I felt like I was intruding and didn't belong. I didn't bother trying to socialise outside of work with colleagues. While I chatted, laughed and joked with them at work, I kept myself to myself outside of work. I started feeling as I did a lot while I was at school and during sixth form: that people only put up with me because they have to. If they had a choice they would rather be somewhere else, with someone else. I realise now that I was more than likely mildly depressed, caused by stress, tiredness and the fact that I have a predisposition once in a while to get like that. Even when I'm not moving house every couple of months. Even when I don't have a leaky ceiling that collapses. Even when I'm not worrying about whether I'll have a job in the next few months.
But about a month ago I realised I'm actually incredibly lonely. And the reason for my loneliness is myself. It's the fact that I shut myself out, locked myself away from people. So the first change I'm trying to make is to stop doing that. I've reconnected online, I'm also trying to socialise more with people outside of work. I'm doing something that scares me, but hopefully it'll be worth it.
The second change is this: at the age of 16 I had a 10 year plan. The plan was a little ridiculous and very rigid, but my heart was in the right place. I realised then that you can't get what you want immediately. It's a thought process I'd lost recently. I've been unsatisfied with my lot because I want certain things now, right this minute. I want lots of savings, I want to be married, with a family, live in a decent house and have a good job, preferably one where I could work at home some of the time. Thing is...these things take time. So I need to give them time. I need to work towards some of them, and just let other things take their course naturally. While in many respects my 16 year old self was rather naive, she was also a lot wiser. She was also very driven, and that's definitely an aspect of myself I'd like to regain.
Following on from the above, as some of the things I want require money, I've trying to tighten my belt in certain respects. On holiday I discovered that spending cash is so much more difficult than spending via card. So each month I'll have a set amount for groceries, and a set amount for personal spending, and that's it. Right now, with Christmas around the corner, and things to buy for the house, I will be spending in addition to the personal spending. But in a couple of months, hopefully my savings will go up even more.
So, changes I need to stick with:
a) Stop shutting people out
b) Start planning, stop wanting things to happen right this minute
c) Keep a closer eye on my spending habits.
P.S. You know I mentioned buying wool yesterday? Well...I should have my first project done and ready to be shown off in a couple of days.