Saturday, 18 August 2012

Long term relationships and the crazy that comes with that...

Since our chat last week, we haven't spent more time together compared to the week before. Not because we didn't bother trying, but because Corey is working overtime most evenings, and I work during the day...Plus he's been focusing on a job application. I really, really hope he gets this job. It would be perfect for him, plus it's in the Lake District, so visiting him would be like a mini holiday! It would mean being apart again, but, what the hell, we've done it before, right?

Anyway, Corey and I moved in together nearly two years ago. We had been together four and a half years by that time, with a year and a half of that spent in different countries, continents and, for a year, hemispheres. Moving in together should have been a piece of cake, right?


Well, it started off well. It was lovely having our own place. It was wonderful spending each evening, snuggled on the sofa, sharing meals, creating our own little bubble. We were closer than ever. During September, October and November, that is...

Here's some do's and don't's about how to act some scenarios that came up

1) It's coming up to Christmas, your boyfriend is doing all manner of secretive things in the spare room. He brings down a box full of envelopes, labeled from the 1st December up until the 24th December.

Appreciate the effort he's gone to, and get excited about your first Christmas together

Wonder if there's an engagement ring at the end of it all

 2) a) Christmas has been and gone, the Advent calendar box was wonderful and thoughtful and you managed to shut up the voice that whispered "engagement ring". It's coming up to your birthday. Again your boyfriend is being rather secretive in the spare room. On the day, he gives you a series of envelopes with tasks. Some of which lead to presents, one of which leads to an unknown location that you must direct him to.

Go with the flow. Enjoy the day. Relish being spoilt by someone.

Wonder if you're directing the boyfriend to a romantic location where he may propose. When you end up in a petting zoo (because he knows you desperately want a pet, but you can't afford one, nor will your landlord allow it), don't feel a slight twinge of disappointment.

2 b) After enjoying the afternoon at the petting zoo, you head to John Lewis to spend a voucher given to you by a close friend. You then head home, where once again your boyfriend goes up into the spare room and gets all secretive. He then comes down with a cake.

Laugh (joyfully, without malice) at the fact he looks sheepish as it's a very chocolatey cake and neither of you can each much chocolate. Tease him about how long it's going to take for you to finish the cake. Bask in the glow of having been spoilt on your birthday, enjoy the final moments of what was possibly the best birthday you've had in a very long time.

Think that he's going upstairs to get a ring. That way, when he brings you the cake, you won't feel this crushing weight of disappointment, you won't feel stupid or like the biggest bitch who ever lived. Because you may think you're hiding your feelings, but the truth is, he knows something is wrong.

3) The day after your birthday, your boyfriend has to go home for the day to drop off his brothers car. He knows you're upset for some reason.

Well, you should have been honest with him last night. You should have told him when he brought the cake that, thought it might have been a ring, silly you and made a joke of it. That way you'll feel better, and he won't wonder what he'd done wrong. But since you didn't do that, you should tell him what's wrong.

Burst into tears, tell him he didn't do anything wrong, but don't tell him why you're crying. He will leave upset that you're upset. And you'll both be apart for a night...upset.

4) Everyone seems to be getting engaged. Your cousin, your friends, acquaintances, everyone but not you. Your anniversary comes and goes, and not once do you think you might be proposed to. But then two people get engaged in one week.

Feel very happy for them. Have a discussion about where you and your boyfriend see your future going. Be happy that one day it will be you getting engaged.

Bottle up your feelings of envy, deep down. They will explode one day and you will end up sounding like a sulky, tantrum throwing two year old screaming "Why isn't that us? Why don't you want to marry me? We've been together 5 years, if you don't want to marry me now, you never will!". It will make you ashamed of yourself. You will feel so bad that you are acting like this. You will turn into someone you dislike, but you will be unable to stop it because you've bottled it all up since December, and it's now March. And before you can have a nice, calm have to let all the crazy out on your poor boyfriend, who really hasn't actually done anything wrong, but is looking stunned and confused at this banshee of a woman, wailing around the house.

Looking back at it now, I wish I had sat him down when I started thinking "will he, won't he" and had a chat about our future. I am so ashamed of the way I acted last year. But at the same time, weirdly enough, I think it brought us closer together (after I stopped being crazy, that is). I now actually explain how I'm feeling before it gets all pent up and nasty. And I think it's made Corey think about our future, and where he wants us to go (actually, I know it has). And it's made me realise that I need to let go. It will happen...when we're both ready. I now just have to make sure I somehow don't ruin THAT moment...

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